ADPressions

Yesterday was my daughter's 13th birthday and her puppy, Clarabelle's 1st.  Since my daughter is far away this year helping to nurse Grandpa back to health, I did not get to celebrate her birthday with her.  However, I had a little celebration with Clarabelle her puppy.  She likes turkey hot dogs!  I broke one into many pieces and put the plate on the floor.  As she attacked the heap of weird meat with her cute little smile, my mind suddenly drifted back to that night she was brought to the house... while I sang happy birthday to her.

It was a night that I'm sure my daughter remembers me as a monster.  Another dog had been requested several times and I issued the fatherly "no" many times.  But, the puppy arrived anyway.  As I was leaving to go to town for an errand and before I even saw the puppy or held it, I did see the tiny bulge in my daughter's coat.  She had this great big smile on her face as though she had just found the most adorable precious creature on earth!  I became angered because they violated my fatherly command.  I was disrespected!  I was... torn!  I got in my jeep and drove away... mad.  I didn't even look at that little creature that had my daughter... and wife and son all in that mood of excitement and adoration!  Now I was confused!

Later, the little adorable precious creature was placed in my hand.  Yes, she was so tiny it was fascinating.  Tiny, but she jumped into the biggest place in my heart crouched there with my wife, my son and my daughter.  I immediately melted into the drug induced state of love.

Here I sat celebrating her birthday one year later... alone.  Once again torn.  Torn between the emotions of knowing how silly and creepy I must have seemed to my family that night and yet today I am so grateful to God for this puppy coming into our lives.  She is so smart!  She has become my biggest buddy.  If I am home, she wants to be with me in the house no matter what I am doing.  She loves to play fetch and tug a war.  She loves to sit with her head on my shoulder.  She loves to lick up peanut butter smeared onto a plate.  She comes and gets me to tell me it is bed time so she can snuggle up against me under the covers.  She is one of the most happiest creatures I have ever known.  She reminds me of someone long ago who I miss dearly... Centauri.  

She finished her hot dog pretty quick and off sniffing the house.  She goes into every room searching for... her missing pack.  I hope they come home soon even if it is just for her.  She'll sit in my lap wanting to be petted for about 20 minutes.  Then everything is ok... for her.

So today, I am writing this because we have those moments for a reason and I believe they should be reconciled.  I thank God for bringing her into our lives.  Who would have known that I would find myself alone for 6 or more weeks again and that Clarabelle would be the factor to keep me sane from the powerful darkness of loneliness?  And to beg my family, Clarabelle's pack, for forgiveness for being such a monster that night.  I think God sees this family as a very special family and he couldn't put Clarabelle, the special little angel of happiness with just any family.  Thank you for bringing this adorable little puppy into our lives!

Even though I miss my daughter in such a big way, It was a happy birthday after all.

 
Today was a very touching day for me.  My family has been away nursing Grandpa back to health for about three weeks now.  When I get home in the evenings, I let the dogs in and we go visit all the rooms and close the shades and curtains because it is getting dark now when I get home.  They all usually run to bed rooms and take a peek, sniff about for a minute or two and then rush back into the kitchen... of course... food is their ultimate goal.  Ha!
 
Tonight was different.  When we all returned to the den, I looked back due to the absence of Dakota.  I saw her tail disappear back around the corner down the hallway.  I hollered for her, but she would not return.  I walked back down the hallway and there she was... sitting in Cheyenne's room just looking.  She looked back at me with a very sad look.  I told her, "let's go outside".  She laid down.  She did not want to leave.  It was a moment that I knew exactly what she was feeling. <sigh>  I go through that feeling every day.  But, today was Dakota's day to realize that she is missing her master.  What ever her relationship is with Cheyenne, it must be a very well connected one.  It has taken her longer than the others to show their emotion of the absence of the family.  She has been very separated from me until tonight.  Tonight, she gave me a sad but loving kiss as though she is reaching out for a heart that she could not find in that room that she grew up in as a puppy.  Yes, we sat and cried together as though it has been a feeling we have shared forever.  
 
And it was the day for me to realize again... what that "one thing" is in my life that Curly talked to Mitch about in the City Slickers.  We all have our own "one thing" in life that makes life the secret to happiness.  I found a tiny smile in my heart sitting their with Dakota wishing that the TV was on and that we could hear the blaring sounds of Halo.  As tiny as it was, it managed to overcome the great shadow of loneliness that has taken over my life for the moment.
 
Cheyenne... thank you for touching my life so big that even, as a 51 year old man... father... I can cry when you are not home.  I sat here for an hour trying to describe what it feels like to miss someone so much that... you don't even know what hurts.  
 
After a while, Dakota was ready to go back outside.  She gently gave me that kiss, smelled my breath and off she went to the back door... slowly.
 
Yes, it was a very touching day for me... especially when a heart yearns for someone else.
 
Dad

Last night, Friday,  I worked until late in the morning trying to get the last of artwork to a printer.  I had come in the house, prepared everything for night and fell right into my work.  Unfortunately, falling into bed, at 3:00 am exhausted from the week I realized that I had not covered our cockateil's cage and closed the front curtains.  I rose and walked exhausted and sleepy through the house to his cage.  He was already perched at his sleeping position, but you could tell he was cold.  Head tucked away, wings lifted tightly to his body.  He was all ready asleep.  

As I reached for his linen that covers his cage very much not awake, a sudden burst of feathers spewed from the cage and a loud fluttering noise hit me in the face like a creme pie!  The cage was vibrating with that metallic sound of... well, like only a cage can make and the noise was increasing with great intensity... BOOM!  I was awake!  Watching this bird explode... well, maybe like shaking himself apart in front of me... then I realized he was hissing at me.  I'm in shock... he won't stop... it's 3:00 am... dark... in front of our window that faces the front road... the porch light is on... the curtain is open... I'm standing directly in front of it absorbing the sound of this bird alarm and the light from the porch is surrounding me with a nice spot light glow as on the main character on a broadway stage and I'm in my underwear!!!!!!

Now I know why they make super hero pajamas!

 
On my recent trip to Las Vegas to work a tradeshow, I had an interesting thing happen.  The day before I was to travel home, I had shipped out all of my stuff on our truck except for some clothes to change into for my travel day.  I kept a few extra things just in case.  I had only my rolling computer bag and a small brief bag.  I packed everything up tightly so that it would be a breeze to pass through security at the air ports.  I had every nick and cranny filled with something!
 
It was finally time to head for the air port.  I checked out of my room from the TV and grabbed my rolling bag, placed the small brief bag around the extended handle and opened the door to part.  I looked back to make sure I took everything.  Out of the corner of my eye I see my plain white t-shirt that I wore under my dress shirt the day before.  I go to get it... but I have absolutely no where to pack it.  Everything is filled to the point the zippers are stressed.  I lay it back on the bed and say goodbye to it.
 
Every so often during my trip home, a thought of that shirt lying on the bed in the hotel room would appear momentarily.  I would shrug it off, but it would appear eventually again during the trip and through out the following weekend.  I ask myself, "Am I insane to miss this t-shirt?".  I'm not sure why this t-shirt, being left in the hotel has played such a role in my thoughts.  The shirt left behind has not been forgotten... in thought, but it is gone from the physical.  My mind puzzles with the idea and the word "forgotten" over this t-shirt.  I chuckle because I believe it doesn't understand the difference of being left behind and forgotten.  Or is it possible my mind is trying to correlate what has happened with this t-shirt to some other aspect of my life.  Am I strange to have this or these thoughts?  It is only a t-shirt, right?  Because I am thinking enough about it to write this, it certainly isn't forgotten... or not?