ADPressions

Soap and Water...

We were asked to dinner by a new friend.  When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were dirty.

“Were these dishes ever washed?” I asked our hostess, as I ran my fingers over the surface.

She replied, “They’re as clean as soap and water could get them.“

I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. The meal was delicious, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells:
“Here Soap! Here Water!”

Published May 8, 2000 in The Fax Express

Getting my license


When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Published May 8, 2000 in The Fax Express

13 Things PMS Stands For:





1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. P-i-s-s-y Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one...

13.  POTENTIAL MURDER SUSPECT!

Sent in by Bill T.  Thanks Bill!! (Bill is in hiding.  LOL!! )

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" 

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers' license It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.  "How in heaven’s name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

Sent in by Patrick!

What would you like?

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the rich-looking pastires displayed on the trays in the glass case.

When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?" he answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut, that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."

Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

Published May 4, 2000 in The Fax Express

Litter of kittens

A five-year old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There we 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.  "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Published May 4, 2000 in The Fax Express

Dog duties...

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.  Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.  The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised.  This is just part of my job."

"Incredible!" exclaimed the man.  "I can't believe it!  Does your boss know what a prize he has in you?  An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog.  "Please don't!  If that man finds out that I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"

Published May 4, 2000 in The Fax Express

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.

Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that very morning at 9:30 am.  I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.  As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to have a lot of time to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in the appropriate area to make sure I was at least presentable.   I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. 


I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.  Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.  

I was a little surprised  when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning,  haven't we?'

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.  The rest  of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.  After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the  bathroom, 'Mommy, where's my washcloth?'   I told her to get another one  from the cupboard.  

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the  sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.' 
 
 NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR EVER.

~author unknown~

My friend Sheri W. shared this with me.

Throughout the ages, men have been trying to unlock the mystery as to why their wives who accepted them as they were before they got married, subtly
and with determination began the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows were exchanged. Finally, the riddle was solved.

A social-scientist arrived at a simple and logical  conclusion. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn.

Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: aisle, altar, hymn, begins.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually  reinforces these perceptions: aisle, altar, hymn. . .aisle, altar, hymn. . .  AISLE, ALTAR, HYMN. .and finally, as she stops beside the groom, the  conditioning process is completed.

She looks up at him lovingly, smiling sweetly and thinks, 'I'LL ALTER HIM.'

My friend Sheri W. shared this with me.

At the police station one night...

One night, a lady stumbled in the police station with a black eye.  she claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate.  The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned a half hour later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?", his captain asked.

"No," he replied.  "I stepped on the same rake."

Published February 28, 2000 in The Fax Express